Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
