i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked