he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
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We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
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Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.