I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
