Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
