does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
