Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
