We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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