I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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