I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
