"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Randomize
