after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
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We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
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Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Congratulations! We have a period
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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