So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Randomize
