so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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