it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
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