y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
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URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?