I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
10 Things Your Gyno Wants You To Stop Doing To Your Vagina
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
For Some Reason, Boys Are Singing The ‘Halo’ Theme Song In School Bathrooms
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run