i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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