Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize