next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
sarcasm needs its own font
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
