Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
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