More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
