The brown eye won't let me do that either.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
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her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
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Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay