you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
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The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
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Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.