so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
