so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
