Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
The uberlube is also flammable
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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