i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
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In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
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There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
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