Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
