Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
you never un-have a 4some
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
