Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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