dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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