so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I want to be your penis for a week.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
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