so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
