so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I made him laugh his dick is mine
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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