I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
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she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
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A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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