He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
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I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
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She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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