This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
