Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
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