Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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