uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
