I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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