did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
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Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
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you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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