I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
