seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
