My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
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i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
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I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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