My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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