What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
