and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
