Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize
