Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
