Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
