And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
